So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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