Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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