we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
