youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
