READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
