Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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