I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
