I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
