I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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