I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
