Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
