lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
