My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize