i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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