Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
