mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
