I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
