I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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