For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
