he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
