yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
