I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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