My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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