Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
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Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
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I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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