i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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