sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
