Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
