Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation