You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
