Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
