when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Randomize
