Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
