wake up i wanna do it froggy style
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
