my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
