onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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