i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
