I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
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And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
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It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
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