Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
