Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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