well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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