I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
