Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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