Do you still have your period?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
