I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
