I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I did not marry a roomba.
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