I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
His nipple licking is glorious
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