Can i not drive my cunt home
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
