She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
