90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
