smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
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Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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