he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
