You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
either way he was missing a nipple.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
