What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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