New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
