So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
