Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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